Journal — Rebel Herbal

Who in my sphere is struggling with resistance? executive dysfunction? paralyzing anxiety? stagnant depression? apathy in any form? fear of rejection/abandonment? healing the inner child and trauma?

I think pretty much everyone can say at least one of these modes of being is relevant to their lives…and for some of us, it could be all of them at once or all on a wave.

Our world would like to medicate us with pharmaceuticals and shame and toxic love and light bullshit. It would like to tell us we are broken for not pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps and making shit happen. And yea, we are 100% responsible for our own lives - NO ONE ELSE IS. But when one lives in the context of merciless and unsympathetic expectation without a framework for actual healing, it can feel really impossible to crawl out from under any of the above struggles and bring ourselves to fruition.

Y’all know I’m an herbalist. And a shamanic healer. I do good work with the spirits of suffering people in my community. I know the herbs to support the brain, the heart, and the energetic channels that get clogged. I can guide someone in meditation and prayer and undo generational curses on the astral planes. I love this work. It is necessary, and usually herbs, nutrition, and the spiritual work are the FIRST STEPS. The ones that guide us. And when it comes to issues of an emotional or mental nature, they can help us discover deeply buried aspects of ourselves that need light. They can support us and strenghten us and build us up to the tasks involved with doing what needs done to make a change. But I’m gonna be bold here and make a statement that might get me some flack - these practices and tools are not the answer.

What is the Answer Then????

MOVEMENT.

Most of have had to sit down and be still and quiet since childhood. Be seen and not heard. Don’t speak out of turn in class. Don’t make unnecessary movements in church, in public, or anywhere you could embarrass an adult or disrupt the larger group. Don’t air your dirty laundry no matter how affected you are by violation. Being the people pleaser that I am, I learned this quickly and didn’t usually act up in those spaces. Although it was always REALLY HARD for me to not talk. I was always talking. And getting in trouble for it.

Being forced into quiet stillness as children was the culture’s way of preparing us for school. For college. For working at a desk. It’s the way we’ve been convinced and conditioned to relinquish ownership of our souls to a bigger machine, gaslit into believing the machine was the dream. They want us quiet. They want us sedentary. They want us dependent on 2 day shipping and mass produced pricing.

All of the struggles I mentioned at the beginning are the result of us not being encouraged to be free humans. Not being supported in our individual uniqueness. They are the result of traumatized people traumatizing people in a traumatic and traumatized system. The result of an educational system premeditated and designed to make you a part of a productive and profitable society - not the enlightened and liberated artist you actually are. It’s no one person’s fault - there’s no blame being cast on anyone here because everyone alive has been on the receiving end of this system abuse - but we do each have something called responsibility for ourselves, and one by one, we have to break out of this mess. (In no way am I suggesting you shouldn’t be angry/heartbroken/etc b/c of what’s happened to you. You should. Feel very fucking thing.)

Soaking in the silence of a snowy alpine forest.

As much as they fucked up the development of our brains and stunted our emotional growth, they never took our actual power away. We may not be able to change the system. But we can change ourselves. Hard as it fucking is. It’s really hard. Really really really hard. Any type of trauma or neurodivergence, and finding your own sense of power can be like climbing a frozen waterfall without an ice pick.

Which leads me to the whole point of this writing to begin with.

If you have nothing at all to work with, no resources, no community, no insurance, no tools, you have YOU. You have your body. And in order to to bring your true self to the surface and begin the journey of collaborating with your struggles, you have to use your greatest asset and sometimes adversary - your physical body.

I think the most important part of the work I do is not teaching people how to avoid medical doctors in treating illness, it’s helping people reestablish the relationship between themselves and nature, by using their bodies to navigate Earth.

Moving our physical vessels in the wilderness is THE BEST MEDICINE THERE IS. Nothing is better. Bold statement, but true. Our neurochemicals are all fucked up and we can’t focus and we’re intentionally distracted by a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t actually matter and we’re forced into unnatural spaces and required to ‘earn’ to live and I could go on and on and on about how antithetical to humanness, it all is. Yea there’s lots of beauty, I’m not saying all of humanity is fucked and doomed. Just that we’ve been set up. And the remedies on offer are not gonna do shit if we don’t move our bodies.

Back in the day humans pretty much lived gym bro lives in terms of how much we worked out. We moved around, we carried, lifted, crafted, hunted, rode, walked, harvested, foraged, and forged. Everything we did impacted our survival, and everything was weight bearing exercise. We did these things in communities too, but that’s a whole other topic I can’t get side tracked on. Our biggest threats were predators and the environment, and we had to stay active to survive. Like animals in the wild, we could shake off traumatizing events and return to a balanced mental state. Something that’s very hard for us now. Because we have no support and haven’t been shown how to get our nervous systems back to a regulated state. We’re told to forget the past that hurt and be happy now even if we can’t get anything done. We’re expected, even from people with good intentions, to keep pouring ourselves out, despite the cup being empty for a long, long time.

In order for us to overcome the limitations imposed upon us by society, culture, environment, and physiology, we have make a conscious decision to find some way in our own personal lives to return to our physical bodies.

All the science shows that the chemicals released when we do hard exercise improves our mental health. It gives us clarity and helps us change the way we think. It reinforces the connection between our hearts and Earth’s and all creation. It builds resilience and strength. It empowers us.

And what I think we could all use a heaping dose of is, empowerment. It just doesn’t come from the outside. We can receive support and love from our friends and teachers and muses, but true empowerment is something that comes from within. It is the inner knowing of I CAN that comes when we rise above a challenge or solve a problem. Working our bodies, is the most potent, satiating, and long lasting source of empowerment we can get our hands on, and it’s made even more effective when we do it outside.

It’s free, and it’s still better than ANYTHING you can put in your body.

I know it can be hard to get started because of the resistance, executive dysfunction, paralyzing anxiety, stagnant depression, apathy in any form, fear of rejection/abandonment, healing the inner child and trauma. I’m in that place a lot, where it’s hard to scrape myself from the floor in order to move. Especially b/c I deal with a few conditions that literally disable me for days, weeks, or even months at a time. But I always know that I’m going to feel better when I do something. And I’m a big fan of walks, gentle yoga, swimming, anything that gets your blood flowing. But the really good medicine is when you get after something that’s scary, dangerous, or really difficult.

If you’re on the struggle bus and can’t get shit done that you want to do, or you can’t overcome something, here my suggestion.

Pick an extreme sport. The easiest and free-est? Hiking. You can wear regular clothes, sneakers, and use your old Jansport backpack. Get stuff at Goodwill. Repurpose old bottles for your drinking water if you need to. Make sure you have a rain jacket and layers. But you don’t need anything fancy. If you don’t have a car or can’t get to a trail, do an urban hike. Fill your pack with books or rocks or cans of food, plan a route in your town, and go for it. This is also a really awesome way to discover hidden gems in your area that you may not have known about. Walk. Walk with purpose. Walk faster. Get your heart rate up. Set a target. Sweat. Make your goal. Go home and take a hot shower and let the dopamine saturate every fucking cell in your body. Fall asleep feeling like a badass b/c you did something new.

The important thing is to find an activity that isn’t easy. One that forces you to pay attention - to your surroundings, to your body mechanics, and to how your gear functions. Choose a sport that has obvious challenges and set yourself to meeting them. Maybe you’re urban hiking and each week you set yourself to go a little further, with a goal being to hike up a local mountain. Celebrate EVERY SINGLE accomplishment, even if to the outside world it seems simple/small. Find a way to get out of your comparative mindset and do this just for you. Again, JUST. FOR. YOU. The benefits WILL ripple out. But who gives a fuck if that dude over there climbed Kilamanjaro? You’re here to do you. He’s got his own set of struggles to deal with. Get that shit out of your periphery and constantly remind yourself that this is your journey, and the ONLY. thing that matters is getting yourself clear and getting some dopamine and overcoming something.

Keep aiming higher.

In my current life, my favorite medicine is snowboarding. I’m not gonna lie, it’s really hard. It’s a total body workout that requires you to pay incredible attention to micro movements in your body, subtle changes in the terrain and weather, other people coming down the mountain, and your own perspective. It’s meditative AF for me, and it’s one of the only activities that allows me to feel hyper aware of the present moment. The normal chaos of my mind shuts down b/c if for one moment I don’t pay attention to how the entire experience FEELS, I’m gonna fall and bust my ass. And falling while moving at speed down an icy mountain with a board attached to your feet SUCKS. I know. I’ve done it a lot and I’ve gotten hurt.

Last run of the day, completely exhausted and untouchably happy.

Snowboarding is so physically and mentally challenging that every time I make a gain, it feels like the biggest accomplishment of my life. Like learning to carve and actually use the toe edge of the board…I was high as a kite for a week when that clicked for me last season, after 10 years of not riding. Natural drugs y’all. And if you’ve got one of the many mentioned struggles, there’s no doubt you are a dopamine deficient person. LET’S FIX THAT.

Every time I do something on a snowboard for the first time, it changes me. I get that natural dopamine fix from the payoffs of embodied persistence. The anxiousness in my brain and all the fears and worries about bullshit adult stuff fade for a while. And the best part is that usually, the next day, I find myself motivated. Less resistant. Ready to tackle the responsibilities and obstacles that have been sidelined. All most likely because my neurotransmitters were off. We are all dopamine addicts y’all. We have to have it. And most of us don’t have enough of it. And that makes EVERYTHING really hard to do. There is something alchemical that happens when we participate in extreme sports - giving ourselves the opportunity to push our bodies to their limits, allowing our minds to function as meditative allies rather than slave drivers, and liberating our spirits to reunite with the essence of nature, profoundly and fundamentally alters us. More than any psychedelic, more than any therapy session, more than any soul retrieval or self help book.

The next time one of your wild friends invites you to do something crazy, do it. Especially if you don’t want to. If there’s something you want to try but you don’t want to do it alone, go do it alone (just let people know where you’ll be and have a safety in check!). Hire a guide or instructor if you need to (like me! I can teach you a bunch of stuff, and if I can’t, I’ll find you someone who can!). The more it takes you out of your comfort zone, the better. Scared you’re gonna look like an idiot? You will. It’s ok. Everyone did when they started. If you don’t have the funds to do something that can be pretty expensive, like snowboarding, borrow gear. Find the cheapest rental place. Stop buying lattes and save your money for a lift ticket. Find a carpool or bus. Change your mindset to looking for possibilities instead of barriers. NO MORE EXCUSES. But if something you’re into is really out of reach, pivot. Pick something different. Join meetup.com and start doing active stuff with people - because it’s HIGHLY LIKELY that you’ll meet someone along the way who is also into that other thing you want to try, and then that entire world opens up to you.

Remember. That heaviness you feel, the fear and stuckness and the weight of all the SHOULDS. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not broken. You probably have some incredible gifts that are buried beneath the lifelong conditioning that you should be something different from what you are. If you are desperate to get back to your core, to unveil your truth, to allow your unique gorgeousness out into the world, go do something insane that will make your entire body sore for at least 2-3 days. If you’re not sore, you need more. And do it outside so you can soak up all those tree pheromones and absorb all the delicious golden sunlight and breath fresh air and satisfy your very human need for novelty. You never know what crazy or beautiful thing you will see, and those profoundly spiritual experiences just from BEING in a place and participating in the place, is a vital component of this movement as medicine I’m talking about. So much in this world is medicinal. It’s just that above all, we were designed to move our bodies through to and through survival.

View from the top of Sunrise Mountain <3

As always, I got you. Let me know what you need to get there, and I’ll hold your hand to the edge.

Here’s some little things that have inspired/motivated/supported me lately:

I realize this writing doesn’t take into account folks who have physical limitations that prevent them from getting into extreme sports. It’s not intended to be exclusive, but to encourage those that are able. There are other tools available for empowering folks to get out of the rut if physicality is not possible. That’s another article that will come in time <3

Not sure what activities you want to try? Here’s a fun list. I recommend watching videos on YouTube/Instagram to get stoked about it.

Snowboarding/Skiing
Surfing
Skateboarding/LongBoarding
Backpacking/Hiking/Mountaineering
Rock Climbing (my next adventure sport!)
Mountain Biking or Road Biking
Trail Running
Kayaking
Backcountry Hunting with a Compound Bow
Wakeboarding/Waterskiing
Spelunking/Caving
Horseback Riding/Rodeo

A book I’m reading: Rick Rubin - The Creative Act

A book I’m listening to: The War of Art - Steven Pressfield

7 Powerful Steps to Overcoming Resistance and Actually Get Stuff Done - Zen Habits article by Leo Babauta

Movement is Medicine